Isaiah 55:8-9 8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” These verses have been flagship verses for me throughout my life. I have embraced them through many ups and downs over the decades. We do not understand the mind of God, nor are we meant to. Who knows His reasons or purposes for things that he allows to happen, both good and bad? Certainly, none of us. More than most people, I think the people in our EnCourage cancer support group and community ponder those questions, and yearn for answers to them. If only we understood the Why, wouldn’t we be less anxious and more accepting of where we’re at in our lives? We probably will not know those answers until we get to heaven. But I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes, And God has a purpose in life for each of us at every season of our lives. We live in a fallen world because of Adam and Eve’s original sin so we will experience trials and tribulations in our lives. As Christians, we are not exempt. But God promises to be with us, helping us, through everything we face. Whatever happens to us in our lives, God knows about it and He has been preparing for us to go through these things. When my cancer experience began in 2016 at the age of 56, I was ready for it. I had been in training all of my life and had the faith tools to get through something like this. If ever there was a time to apply all I had learned about God and Faith, this was it. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a shock, horrible to go through and full of many dark hours. But I trusted what I knew from a lifetime of following God, and experiencing Him at work throughout my life. I can look back and see that God was preparing people, places and things for my cancer journey from as far back as when I was 13 2 years old. You’ll see His handiwork woven through my story from many years ago and all throughout my cancer experience. In January 2016 I got hit in the face with a basketball during a pick-up game. Afterwards, I had some floaters in my left eye and wanted to make sure I didn’t have a detached retina. My optometrist recommended the best ophthalmologist at OCB in Waltham. But he was not available so I saw one that had an open appointment, a Dr. Shah. He did a full eye exam with imaging and other tests to check it out. It was just a little bruised and bleeding, but would go away on its own. After a few months I noticed I was losing some vision in my left eye. I was on a golf trip in May of 2016 and really noticed how bad it was getting. I went and saw the same ophthalmologist as soon as I got back, thinking it had something to do with the basketball incident. Things were quite swollen and inflamed, and he said it had nothing to do with the January incident, this was a whole different thing going on. The imaging suggested a virus of some type and he referred me to a uveitis specialist (swelling and inflammation). I went through several months of heavy steroids and started all sorts of tests to diagnose the type of virus, all of which came up negative. With the steroids the inflammation went away but the vision continued to worsen. My doctor was persistent, though, and continued testing. I had so many different tests. At one point, she said something like “I wonder if this could be intraocular lymphoma? Nah, that is too rare, like one in a million so we kept on testing. She took fluid from my eye and still everything came up negative. My cousin in FL is married to an ophthalmologist, Michael Tibbetts. He heard about my issues early in the process and sent me a note that he had done an internship in Boston with one of the top diagnostic ophthalmologists in the world – Jay Duker – and he might be able to enlist his help if things continued coming up empty. However my doctor was confident we’d figure it out so I continued with more tests. But there was continued vision loss and she was concerned. One morning I got a call from her around 8 AM asking if I could get to Tufts Medical Eye Center right away. She had reached 3 out to an expert and got him to see me on short notice if I could be there by 10. While on the train I was thinking his name rang a bell and I went back to Michael’s email from a few months earlier – it was none other than Jay Duker. The connection to my cousin was made, who Dr. Duker thought very highly of, and he immediately put himself on my team. And he did see something the others did not. He confirmed that I would need a vitrectomy where they would drill further down in the eye and remove all of the vitreous fluid to biopsy that. For that procedure, I would go back to Dr. Shah. That I had Dr. Shah as my initial doctor was not random at all. It turns out that he had gone to Medical School and did his residency with my cousin’s husband Michael Tibbetts. It was no coincidence that this trio of the perfect eye doctors from FL to MA were now on my team. They were all connected to me and each other. God had assembled the best for me, and they all were personally vested in my case and well-being. I still did not have a diagnosis and cancer had not even entered my mind at this point. But I was in awe of how God had orchestrated the formation of this team that would take care of me. I didn’t know what was to come but I knew God had been at work all along with people, places and events. And it showed me that He was in charge, I could trust Him. I had tangible assurance that God was in control. At first it had seemed like there was overwhelming opposition with my eye issue. But God came through with the A team for me. I held on to that as things deteriorated quickly. I had the vitrectomy on Thursday, August 4 and the fluid was sent off to the lab. But when he was operating down in my eye, Dr. Shah could see what external imaging did not show. Intraocular Lymphoma creates a unique leopard pattern on the optic nerve and that was present in full force. In my follow up appointment the next day, Friday, he told me that even though we didn’t have the biopsy results yet, he could see what it was. It was unexpected and a blow. I was thinking it was just a follow up visit after surgery as did my friend Martha who drove me there. I held it together in his 4 office, got instructions from him and then told my friend in the hallway. We both cried – we were stunned. I needed to see my PCP right away and have her set up a number of tests, primarily an MRI, and have her set me up with a neuro oncologist. Intraocular Lymphoma is very rare and dangerous. It is a very aggressive cancer. It almost always spreads to the brain, but sometimes stayed in just the eye and could have isolated treatment there. God was in control and could make that happen, right? I prayed that I would be one of those few. Dr. Shah could take care of that treatment. I called my PCP when I got home that afternoon and they said she was on vacation until the following Thursday. I was actually starting to get quite mentally impaired at this time although I was not realizing it and just accepted I’d wait until then. She is part of a Mount Auburn Hospital group of Associates with about 30 doctors. My family, in particular my dad, used doctors in the same group. He had many health issues including heart, diabetes and eventually lost both legs to that disease before he passed in 2009. My sister Jody came up the next day, Saturday, and would have none of the “We’re going to wait until Thursday” bit. She called the office and demanded that someone, whoever was on call, get back to us right away. Ten minutes later the phone rang and it was the doctor on call, Dr. Wellisch. This doctor had been my dad’s doctor for many years and I had taken my dad to most of his appointments. He is the head of that medical association and “just happened” to be on call that day. He said how he remembered me and my mom and how much he cared for my dad. And what is going on with you? I told him what was happening. He said I am going to take care of this personally. I am going to speak to Dr. Shah first thing on Monday morning and see what you need. He scheduled me for an MRI at MAH on that Monday night. He got a look at the scan and called me Tuesday. He said we have a great oncology program here at Mount Auburn, but for what you have and what you are facing there is only one doctor in the world that I’d want you to have and she is at Dana-Farber. If it was me, she is who I’d want. Sit tight and I’ll call you back.” A few hours 5 later he called back and said you have an appointment on Monday with Dr. Lakshmi Nayak at DanaFarber which was just a couple of days away. I don’t know your experiences with getting into preferred doctors or top specialists, but it just doesn’t happen that you get any of the top doctors in less than 48 hours. Months is more the norm. Dr. Wellisch has been a top medical professional with extensive networks and was probably one of the very few doctors who could have made that happen for me. My own PCP couldn’t have done that – she most likely would have put me with whoever had an open appointment at Mount Auburn Hospital and I would be dead. God had Dr. Wellisch on call that Saturday. Intraocular Lymphoma is rare, only 5 in one million get it. It is very difficult to diagnose since it looks like a virus from the diagnostic imaging that is done. You need a vitrectomy to confirm the disease. It is an extremely aggressive cancer so while doctors are chasing the virus avenue, it advances rapidly. And if it does get diagnosed correctly, you have to know how to treat it, and treat it quickly. I Googled it and the things I found were frightening. Most people who get this do not survive more than a few months. Survival rates for this disease are less than 10%. The opposition had dealt me what he thought was a fatal blow. But God came through with the exact doctor and team I needed, in rapid time. If I had lived somewhere other than Boston with the most advanced cancer treatment hospitals in the world and getting to a world renowned specialist in my disease, I would not have made it. People from all over the world who get this disease come to Dr. Nayak for treatment. What Satan intended for harm and death, God used to show His mighty power. By the time I got to see Dr. Nyack, things had declined rapidly. The lymphoma had attacked my central nervous system. My husband Stan brought me in and we knew things were dire. My motor skills had deteriorated, my left side was barely functioning and my foot and hands were turned in. I could not walk on my own and was not really cognizant about what was happening. She had the biopsy results, the MRI and met with us. She showed us the MRI, a rotating 3D image. Stan asked 6 her, what are all of those white things? She said tumors. We both were shocked. I said to myself “I’m a dead person.” Stan was stunned – we were both devastated. And then she said something that I’ll never forget. She said “I know this strain. We have it here at Dana-Farber. I’ve treated it before and I know exactly what to do. The thing about this cancer is that it loves to make tumors. It loves to make them fast. And it loves to make them big. But we’re going after it. We’re going to hit them hard, frequently and aggressively. And we’re going to get them all.” God put the right things in place to get me the best doctor in the world for this disease to treat me at the stage I was in. I was probably only a short time away from dying. It was unbelievable to hear those words and hear her confidence in beating this successfully. I don’t think doctors would say something like that lightly – she was confident. God gave me Hope right at the start of this long journey, and I hung on to those words throughout it. Remember the basketball incident months before in January? God allowed that to happen for a reason. Dr. Nayak was able to use that timeline to know exactly how aggressive my cancer was. Knowing I didn’t have any symptoms, even remotely, in January from Dr. Shah’s testing and imaging, she was able to measure tumor sizes and calculate how fast they had grown, and in turn how aggressively to treat my cancer. She said that she never has that kind of information to plug in to her treatment plan. The cancer could have been there for months or years – she is usually guessing. In my case she knew exactly how aggressive to be and that made my treatment so much more effective. Also if the basketball incident hadn’t happened, I never would have had an ophthalmologist as a doctor – I would have been starting from scratch with optometrists and who knows how long that would have taken to move ahead. I did not have that time to spare. Everything was swirling. The rug was being pulled out from under me and my life was collapsing around me. I knew I was really sick. The first thing I prayed was to lift my anxiety about the tumors and obsessing about what was going on in my head. I was so anxious to get rid of them 7 and I was obsessing about it. I wanted to claw my eyeball out. I decided to use what I had learned about trusting God through my life. I called out to God and prayed and begged Him to help me, that I couldn’t do what I had to do with that anxiety. God lifted that anxiety almost immediately. It didn’t lessen the path ahead, but the obsession about it was gone. At this point my husband, sister and mom were caring for me as I could barely do anything on my own. I stayed at my 89 year old Mom’s house as there were no stairs for me to fall down and a handicap equipped bathroom. Those final nights there before starting treatment were filled with fears and hallucinating. My mom held me in her arms as we slept on her couch. My mom, my sister and I recited Psalm 23 over and over. She reminded me repeatedly that Jesus is the Good Shepherd, and He holds his sheep forever in his arms. And to think on that image, being held in Jesus’ arms tightly. My uncle Bruce made my sister and I memorize Psalm 23 when we were around 5 or 6. We never forgot it and those words were able to weave through my mind despite not being able to figure out much else in my thoughts. Those were the only words that could comfort me. From Dr. Shah’s office the previous week and my rapid decline, it seemed like overwhelming opposition that could not be stopped. But God came through miraculously assembling the Dream Team of doctors for me in an incredibly short amount of time. I can’t explain how that happened apart from God’s hand and Him creating all of those relationships over the years that came together to meet my exact cancer diagnostic and treatment needs at that exact point in time. The treatment began. When I first went in there was a lot of brain damage and I had such fear. The ventricles which carry cerebrospinal fluid to the brain were almost closed off. By this time it had also attacked my central nervous system. I was hallucinating that my soul was being taken through the IV and I was so sick I didn’t know what to do. Numerous calls to my mom and sister helped me with my fears – they were the only ones I had the energy to speak to or could remember the numbers for. No time of day or night was off limits for me – they were so relieved when I started 8 getting better and they didn’t get calls through the night. My mom would tell me to just pray “Jesus help me!” over and over. Or Jody would finally call the desk and ask them to give me something to knock me out! I responded great to the treatment and the tumors shrank or disappeared with each hospital stay. My doctor had given me a treatment schedule at the start with inpatient dates and outpatient treatments in between. It was 5 inpatient cycles every other week. I work out of my home in sales as a manufacturer’s representative and am on the road calling on clients. The owner of my company George was so supportive when he found out about my illness. With my vision issues I was not able to drive, and I had cognitive issues with the tumors and chemo. He told me the main thing is for you to get better. He and my suppliers covered issues and customer visits for me for a long time. What a blessing it was to not have to worry about losing my job at that time, although there was very little I could do to help in the beginning. I wasn’t much use when I couldn’t think or drive. My territory was definitely affected. I did what I could when I could for work but it was definitely lacking. My husband and I had also separated from the stress of what was going on so that was financially stressful. About 3 or 4 cycles in I became aware that I hadn’t gotten the whole treatment schedule. There were going to be 4 additional treatment cycles of every other week, inpatient. It was part of the treatment plan from the start but I hadn’t been given the full schedule on the paperwork they had given me up front, and I hadn’t retained it if they told me. At this time I also found out, thankfully of course, that I had been chosen for a clinical trial to have a Stem Cell Transplant after my course of treatment. My type of cancer always comes back and my doctor had encouraged me to enroll in this trial and hopefully be selected. It would make me cancer free for life. Many prayed for this and again God answered. The Stem Cell Transplant would require a schedule that would take me completely out of work for a while. 30 days in the hospital, then 60-90 days at home isolated away from germs and bacteria. 9 Living though all these incidences of God taking care of me you would think I would be more trusting of Him as things happened. When I realized the amount of additional time this was going to take I had to tell George about this continuing for a lot longer than I had realized, I really panicked about losing my job. We are a small firm with 4 people covering all of the NE states and Northern NJ. When one is out like I was, it is a hit to the company and raises concerns with our suppliers about coverage. I prayed and asked God to help but this ended up being one of the most fearful times in the whole journey. I did not see how George could keep me on since I still couldn’t drive, I had chemo brain and I had a much longer treatment schedule ahead than I had thought. I was sure he would have to let me go – I wasn’t able to help much at all, I couldn’t think and I couldn’t drive. I feared the worst, that I would lose my job, my house, everything. I was panicking and thinking I’d have to sell my house and move in with my mom. Life as I knew it would be over. The fear and anxiety consumed me that week and weekend in the hospital. I ask myself now after all I had seen God do so far, why couldn’t I trust him in this new development? I’m not a big crier but I cried all weekend and planned to call George first thing Monday morning with the bad news. I was up and ready to call him when God gave me a clear instruction to not make that call that day. I really wanted to get it over with but the feeling was so strong that I didn’t. The next morning I did call him and before I could tell him about my situation he said he had something to tell me. One of the other sales guys had quit on Monday and suddenly we had to keep a presence up for our suppliers. He asked me to do the best I could keeping in touch with our suppliers and to plan on helping to cover the newly open territory when I could get back. Not only wasn’t I losing my job, I had an important role to keep our supplier relationships secure. We couldn’t afford to go from 4 people to 2 just like that. The relief washed over me in the blink of an eye as I realized how God had orchestrated my job security, and lifted the crippling worries about my finances from me. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 10 Psalm 55:22 22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. Treatment continued through December, all chemotherapy. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital. I had a friend at Grace Chapel, Arlene, who worked at BWH as an Xray technician. We were casual acquaintances at church until I became a regular at BWH. Whenever I was in there, Arlene would visit me on her lunch hours or breaks. We got to know each other very well and it was such a joy having her there. She was working on Thanksgiving and came up to have Thanksgiving dinner with me. Also that Thanksgiving morning, my friend Janet showed up in the morning with an apple pie and a cake for me. God raised up so many angels and bright spots like that throughout my cancer journey. I had three friends Jay, Laura and Jeff, who worked at or very near to BWH who visited me almost daily bringing food and Dunkin Donuts coffee. So many people prayed for me, gave me rides, food, supplies, helped my mom, did my laundry, sent cards, etc. My friend Audrey would come to my house and make huge pots of soup for me, plus other foods. When I think back on that time in my life I think of the many, many kindnesses that were extended to me and I am humbled and thankful. It makes me mindful to do for others whenever I can. I completed the treatment cycle around mid-December and I was cancer free. Next would be the grueling procedure of a stem cell transplant (SCT). This treatment would keep my cancer, and any other latent things, away for life. One of my closest friends, Chris, heads up Clinical Trials at pharmaceutical companies. She read my entire trial and went to my initial SCT appointments with me, meeting with my Doctors and asking all the right questions. She helped me so much to understand what was going to happen. She also took time off from work a few months later to bring me to my cataract surgery for cataracts from the steroids. Here was yet another relationship God put in my life that offered expertise to help me through this. 11 One of my biggest concerns in addition to the treatment itself was migraines. I have been a lifelong migraine sufferer and all of my previous inpatient chemo treatments yielded monster migraines. Being accepted into the clinical trial, my migraine medication was not on the allowed list. So I suffered terribly with migraines each stay. One was so bad they feared I had an aneurism and gave me a CAT scan which was negative, just an atrocious migraine. The chemotherapy I would receive during the stem cell transplant would be 4 days straight and more potent than anything I had received. The time in there would be fraught with all sorts of migraine triggers – disrupted sleep patterns, minimal/no food, difficulty staying hydrated. I was terrified of how bad this migraine season would be. I prayed that God would get me through this time as did many, many others. I went into BWH Day 1 on January 14, 2017 and started the extended day chemo regimen. I did not get a single migraine through that, throughout the entire hospital stay or to this day. I continually marvel at this gift from God as it has been life-changing for me to not have to battle migraines week in and week out. I just wanted to manage the 30 days, but God had so much more of a blessing planned that I could have imagined. Another thing that worried me was that my insurance company had not yet approved me for the SCT clinical trial. I needed this; what would it cost me – would it bankrupt me? A small team of help that the insurance company had put together for me early on worked on my case along with the admins at Dana-Farber. Their approval came through on January 13, the day before I was admitted for the SCT. I had qualified to use my own stem cells so in the days before I checked into BWH, I had 3-4 days scheduled to harvest my own stem cells. They like to get at least 5 million stem cells. It was a snowy week and I had to schedule rides back and forth to Dana-Farber for each day. I ended up getting 5.8 million stem cells on my first day on the blood machine! These cells would be cleaned, radiated and frozen – new and improved to be reinfused at the right time. Only using one day for 12 harvesting, I had these extra days before admission which were so important as I had so much prep to do. I needed to bring in freshly washed clothes for each day I was in there, clean and stored in a zip lock bag. I didn’t have enough clothes for 30 days so during my stay my friend Tina would come in and get my clothes/PJs/robes, wash and bag them, and bring them back to me at the hospital. I had to make arrangements to have every inch of my house cleaned, bedspreads and curtains cleaned and stored, sheets and blankets washed and bagged ready for when I came home, furniture and carpets cleaned and area rugs pulled up and stored. (God bless my friends Michael and Betsy who have a ServPro franchise and did most of the deep cleaning for me.) So many friends helped with the cleaning and scouring, buying supplies, new pillows, etc. Getting sick at any time during these days in the hospital or the weeks at home can easily be fatal – there are absolutely no resources in your body to fight infection during this time. So that extra prep time was critical. God raised up an army to help me. I hope to write another story one day about the people and incredible kindnesses that were extended to me. Only by the grace of God did all these things get done properly so that I was safe when I came home. I was admitted to BWH January 14 to begin 4 straight days of intense chemo to kill off everything and bring all of the blood counts down to 0 or close to 0 counts. Some of the chemo was so toxic that I had to shower every four hours to get rid of what would seep through the pores. My mouth and throat were inflamed and bloody for days as there were no white blood cells to battle mouth bacteria which is really nasty bacteria. It is the most dangerous time where you are most vulnerable to contracting something that will kill you. I was in a positive air flow room, no one coming in except in mask, gown and gloves. I have nothing good to say about the procedure – it is really tough to go through. The first week was awful and I was never so in need of God for the most basic things. I prayed about every pill I had to swallow since my throat was so painful, I prayed down every degree of every fever. I prayed for sleep to find relief. But I also thanked God for every little thing – 13 finding my Chapstick which was always lost, getting wonderful cards (they were so uplifting) and brief calls to my mom and sister. After 7 days comes Infusion day. Everything bad has been killed off or wiped out (good bacteria in the gut, too) and blood counts are ready to reinfuse my new and improved stem cells. They call it your new body birthday where everything will come back new – it was Jan 20. A chaplain came in at my request and prayed a beautiful blessing over my new stem cells and prayed that my body would receive them. A handful of nurses stood with us during the prayer. This is a moment that is special for them, too, having been with us through the abyss. I videotaped the prayer and accidentally taped some conversation I had with the nurses after the chaplain left. I was saying to them how I had wanted to bring God into this whole process. With God running things, it was a fixed fight – all I had to do was show up. I cannot say enough about the cancer floor nurses, and their constant attention to my needs during my days at BWH for this procedure and all my other inpatient stays. They watch everything and anticipate every problem and discomfort, and get you through it. My SCT doctor, Dr. LaCasse, visited me every day. As awful as you feel, they would tell me I was doing well and on track. Food and swallowing has no appeal although they want you to eat and drink. Food can be one dangerous source of bacteria and infection since there is no longer any good bacteria in your gut to fight off any germs/bacteria with fresh food. I could not eat fruits or veggies for 90 days; no plants or flowers in the room either. I was on a BMT diet (Bone Marrow Transplant) where anything nuked or fully cooked or in a package with preservatives was what I could eat (things like Doritos and Oreos are fine if you can manage them). It is a time where apples are bad and frozen burritos are good. It is the only time in my life I have eaten frozen Hungry-man Jack dinners. At their recommendation I had “bulked up” before I went in gaining 20 lbs. Then I lost 42 throughout the procedure. For days I ate only chicken and rice soup for all my meals. I had to drink a significant amount of fluid which I didn’t want either. Every day is about where your blood counts are at. They have a chart on a white board at the foot of the bed 14 where each days’ counts are posted – there were 3 counts that had to reach a certain level before I could leave the protected room and go home. They plan on around 30 days but I reached the levels in 21. My friend Tina joined me for my discharge meeting which was long and detailed (needed those extra ears) and brought me home with all of my bags, meds, gloves, masks, Purell, etc. I was so excited as the Patriots were playing in the Super Bowl vs. Atlanta that weekend. One thing about being in the hospital during January was that I had watched almost every NFL playoff game and I was excited to watch the Super Bowl on my large screen TV instead of the small TV in the room where I couldn’t read the scores and other info. But day 2 at home my temperature went up to 103 deg. I called my SCT doctor and she wanted me to go right into the ER at BWH. I had contracted C Diff while at the hospital. They told me that 30-40% of SCT and BMT patients contract C Diff or some other infection while at the hospital. As much as they clean, C Diff is everywhere. For normal humans, our immune system fights this easily. When you are immune system compromised it is hard to avoid. I ended up in the ER for a completely miserable 24 hours until they could get me a positive air flow room, and then in the hospital for another week. I watched the Patriots beat the Falcons on my small TV, and then I finally made it home for good. It was great to be home, but I was completely exhausted and very fearful of many things. Keeping on top of all the meds, fearing more infection from surfaces and foods and remembering everything. I had a longtime basketball friend Lauren move in with me in December and was glad to have someone at home – she helped with laundry, food shopping, with my mom‘s needs. etc. But she worked long hours and I was struggling. I was only eating bagels, canned soup and Saltines. I was so afraid to eat anything out of fear of infection, and I had no strength to cook. I was only allowed to have food cooked in my own home, that I knew was made with the proper precautions. I have a life-long friend Therese who I met when I was 13. We have always shared a special friendship even though we don’t see each other much being on opposite coasts. Her daughter 15 Carlyssa Dawn is named for me and is my goddaughter. They live in Oregon. I had been talking to her throughout my illness. When she realized I was drowning at home, she flew out after I was home for a week and stayed 8 days. She was an infection control nurse and is a cook – exactly what I needed. She took control of teaching me how to keep the rooms I was in safe. Lots of bleach, frequent wipe downs, no hand towels just paper towels, fresh clothes every day, etc. because it would be very easy for me to re-infect myself with the C Diff or other infections. As a cook, she knew how to prepare food for me that was cooked safe and completely nutritious to build up my immune system and blood counts. She read all the food instructions in the SCT manual and went to work. Soups loaded with nutrients, fish, pastas, eggs, etc. All made to help my body recover. Carly flew out for 3 days over the weekend and helped. They brought one of those plastic seal machines and jars for soup, and filled my freezer with a month’s worth of healthy food that I did not have to prepare – just microwave in their packets. Therese took me to my follow up appointments at Dana-Farber which were every couple of days. Once I started eating the food my blood counts raced up faster than the doctors could believe. I had come somewhat back to life by the end of her stay and continued to dramatically improve from the food that was prepared for me. God placed her in my life when I was 13, and fostered that friendship over 50 years knowing how much I would need her very specific skill set to be safe and recover. Spending those days with them encouraged me and launched me on my way back to health. I will be forever grateful for my special friends and their gift of themselves to me when I needed it most. My own angels. I am in awe of God’s remarkable orchestrating of people, places and events throughout my life that prepared the way for me to get through all of this. I have had a speedy recovery according to my doctors, and a more complete recovery than most. I was tired quite a bit that first year but things got steadily better. I am now restored to full health and feel like I have a decent immune system, although they told me it would never get back to what it was. My left eye vision never recovered and I have just shadows and one blurry spot. My 16 hearing was damaged but I have hearing aids that help. I went back to work full time within that first year and learned to drive with the limited vision, still avoiding night driving. The new normal. God has been there with me every step of the way on this cancer journey providing who and what I needed, exactly when I needed it to get where I am now. On my first inpatient stay, people from different departments came to see me and help with different things. One man brought me Disability and Mass Health forms and helped me fill them out. I asked him what these were for and he said “Oh, you won’t be going back to work so we’ll help you get set up in these programs.” I said, I’m going to hold on to these and let’s see what happens. I wasn’t ready to accept that, and God had different plans. As someone who is by nature self-reliant, I hadn’t “needed” to ask God for much – I could get through the day with the skills and talents He had gifted me with. This cancer journey changed my relationship with God. I needed him for everything. I include Him much more in my days and life, thanking him for everything and seeking his help throughout the day in big things and small. God is much more my Father than ever before. Like the Footsteps poem says, He carried me. I have no doubt that God can miraculously heal people immediately. And I prayed for that as did many. But in my case he did not do that because there was much to be gained from the journey. He chose to provide the best medical team possible and be there with me, and them, through the process. The thing about our trials and difficulties is that God is using them to help us grow in our Faith and get closer to Him. Recognizing that helped me through my illness. Regarding my lifelong training comment. I knew what to do. You first go to God in prayer. I didn’t ask why too much but I asked him to take the wheel and help me to trust Him day by day, minute by minute. And to allow me to persevere to the end. You bring others from your relationships to your support team – leaning on them, asking them to pray with you and impart their spiritual wisdom and guidance. I received so many helpful verses, songs and experiences from others. 17 Listen and read. The Scripture has a wealth of stories and verses about facing adversity and overcoming it. Dwell on those. The Job story was particularly helpful to me. My sister and I would talk about the Job thing I had going on as setback after setback occurred through this process. The ending chapters of Job provide great perspective. Job 2:10 Job replied, “If we accept blessings from God, we must accept trouble as well.” In all that happened, Job never once said anything against God. In our cancer support group, we know the reality of our disease. The outcome is not always what we hope for and we grieve for the people, our friends, who didn’t make it. But we trust the truth from one of our books. “Either way I win.” If we don’t survive, we go home to be with the Lord which is a far better place to be. If we do survive, we have much to thank God for and our story to share. My faith was not without wavering and many times my trust was in word only. I had many faith fails. Could God really see me through this to victory? My sister felt the same many times. We both repeated a verse in Mark 9:24. “Lord I believe, help my unbelief!” It is okay to doubt and confess that to God. I prayed that prayer daily. But look where I am today. I have a mountain of answered prayers and God’s hand in my battle to look back on and praise Him for. I didn’t come out of this unscathed, but I am alive, healthy and cancer free for life. I believe there are purposes in what I went through that God will be able to use me for – God doesn’t waste your pain. I know I wasn’t just saved from something. I was saved for something. For all of us, hope comes to us during the difficult times in our lives from five life-altering words – “I am with you always.” (Matthew 28:20) 18 MRI Progressively Top left: August 2016, where I started. Ventricles are practically closed off. Top right: September 2016, progress Bottom: December 2016 before the Stem Cell Transplant 19 My home away from home for my regular treatments before the SCT. Wondering where this is all headed. 20 Arlene, my BWH buddy visiting me in my room. Gordy – my constant companion when I was recovering at home between treatments. 21 Jody and Gordy, my 2 favorite recovery companions when I was at home. 22 My office when I was at BWH (Brigham & Women’s Hospital) My long time basketball friend Kate was battling thyroid cancer at Dana-Farber at the same I was. We were a great encouragement to each other. And still are. 23 Dawn and Kate Strong! A friend of Patricia Smith’s, Amy, competed in the Lavaman Triathlon in Hawaii on behalf of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. She wore my name. My basketball friend Celia rides the PMC Challenge every year – she wore my name and Elise’s, another hoop friend, while we were both battling cancer. Our friends always supported and encouraged us in so many ways. 24 Laura Delaney, a Northeastern basketball teammate of My FNGs helping me scour my bedroom before the SCT. mine, BPD investigator. She visited me frequently Debbie, Vanessa and Lee. (Friday Night Girls, as her station was right near BWH. If her radio went a group of close friends for many years.) off for a call, she’d bolt out. 25 Different groups of friends helped and encouraged me before the SCT. Oakley friends Martha, Nancy and Marybeth who was also battling cancer at the same time as me. Hoop buddies who helped me so much. This was a couple of days before going in for the SCT. Stephanie, Lauren and Gina. Steph cut my hair to a manageable length before I was going to lose the rest of it. 26 Clothes cleaned and packed, one per day. The Stem Cell Transplant manual. 27 The stem cell collection machine. It was one of 4 in the blood center, all donated and built by the Kraft family. Admitting Day: My bags of clothes, books, computer, etc. for my SCT stay 28 My high school friend Janet (a nurse) helped me with my admission and many other things. EVERYTHING had to be wiped down before it could come in my room. She took me for ice cream on our way in. 29 One of my favorite nurses, Sergey. I have since gone back to visit her and Joan. The blessing prayed over my stem cells before infusion, and the nurses on watch during the process. 30 Back home after the SCT. My Oregon Angels, Carly and Therese 31 Fresh, nutritious and delicious meals prepared for me by my Oregon Angels. Fresh daily and sealed and frozen for later. 32 Janet and I before my cancer – healthier days Cousins – Kelley, me and Jody My high school friends who were always there for me. Kathy, Sheila, Carol and Laurie. 33 My source of strength through everything – Mom and Jody. 34 Here I am now – me and my hair are back!